Co-op Sucks

     1.      Friendly Fire.

Fred: Yo, check out my weapon!

Yun: Nice! That's an AK-47, right?

Fred: Yeah! Hey, check this out!

(Fred starts shooting Yun in the face.)

Yun:…you do know that Friendly Fire is turned off, right?

(Fred continues to shoot Yun.)

Yun: Dumbass…

     2.      Helpful Teammates (When enemies surround you and your partner.)

Fred: Crap! I didn't know there were so many enemies in this level! Yun, help me out!

Yun: What's wrong? Why come you can't shoot them yourself?

Fred: Come on! You know I can't do that. I used up all of my bullets shooting you!

Yun: And I want you to think about that while those zombies eat your flesh!

Fred: LOLWUT?

YOUR PARTNER IS DEAD

Yun: And I don't regret a thing!

     3.      Helpful Teammates (Health Hogs)

Yun: Dammit Fred! Why the hell did you use the health pack? You know I need it!

Fred: You have more lives than me!

Yun: What difference does that make?!? You have more health then me! I'm down to my last bar of
health, you brainless asshat!

Fred: You know, you need to stop being so damn selfish think about the fact that I'm now at full health.

Yun: But you were at full health BEFORE you used the health pack!

Fred: Oh…well, sucks to be you!

Yun:…If only friendly fire wasn't off…

     4.      Escort mission (When one person screws around)

Yun: I need backup and the guy we suppose to protect is about to die! Where the hell are you?!?

Fred: Uhh…I'm out of the building. Where are you?

Yun: I'm inside the building, WHERE WE SUPPOSE TO BE!!!

Fred: Really? Since when?

Yun: Since that last fucking cut scene told us so!

Fred: Oh…

YOUR PARTNER IS DEAD

Yun: Dammit!!! We were so damn close! If you would just put a little more fucking effort into this one damn mission…!

Fred: U mad?

Yun: …

     5.      Escort Mission (When both people screws around)

Yun: You have screwed me over for the last time!

Fred: Geez, loosen up your thong a bit; I was just fucking with you…

(Yun shots Fred in the face)

Fred: Ow! The hell? I thought you turned off Friendly Fire!

Yun: I've turned it back on.

Fred: Alright then…I knew it was going to come down to this, now I have to rape your face with this automatic shotgun!

Yun: Bring it bitch!

YOUR PARTNER IS DEAD

Yun: What? Who died? Both of us didn't…

(Fred and Yun see the person they were supposed to protect in a puddle of their own blood.)

Fred: Wait…we were supposed to protect someone?

Yun: Just…shut the hell up…


     6.      Kill Stealer

Yun: Hey, feel free to help out with this boss fight!

Fred: Ok…

Yun: …Now will be a perfect time to do so!

Fred: I know right? Too bad I don't feel like it.

Yun: Dammit!

(A few moments later, when the boss is down to his last bar of health.)

Yun: Thank God, now all I need to do is get a clear view of this asshole's weak spot and…

(A cut scene shows the monster drawing his last breath before it died.)

Yun: The hell? I didn't shoot him.

Fred: Yeah, I did.

Yun:…What?

Fred: You see, I came up with a plan. I could either help you fight against that monster and risk dying, or I could have you do all the work while I eat a bowl of popcorn, and finish him off with one shot, letting me save both my ammo and my health. If anything, it worked out great, I even moved up a rank! High five buddy!

(Yun took out a Golden Gun.)

Fred: Hey, is that the legendary Golden Sun Gun?

(Without answering, Yun shoots Fred.)

YOUR PARTNER IS DEAD

Fred: What the fuck?!? We haven't even saved! Now we have to fight that bastard all over again!

(Yun continues to shoot Fred.)

     7.      Separation

Yun: Why the hell did I let you talk me into splitting up? We already have enough trouble as a team;
I just know something bad is going to happen when we're by ourselves.

Fred: Will you grow a pair already? We already stacked ourselves with as much ammo and healing equipment as we can handle.

Yun: Ok…If you say so.

(Just then, a group of enemies appeared in Yun's location.)

Yun: Dammit! I knew it! I fucking knew it! I got baddies all over here! How's your end?

Fred: I'm doing great! I don't see anybody in sight! I even see some gold right in front of me!

Yun: Great! I have the near death experience, and you get the gold! God I hate my life!

Fred: It's strange though, there's some small holes surrounding that gold…

Yun: Small holes…? Wait! Don't touch that gold!

     8.      Fool's Gold

Fred: I'm dying and I can't get my menu screen open when I'm on the fucking dying status! Why come you haven't told about spikes popping out of holes in this game?

Yun: You're the one who brought this game; I assumed you knew about the traps. Besides, if somebody didn't suggest separating in the first place, I could've come to your rescue! I hope the gold was worth it!

Fred: It was! Now I have all the gold to myself before I die in the next few seconds!

Yun: …We share the same amount of money. Either one of us could have grabbed it and we both would've had the same amount.

Fred: Really?

Yun: We played this stupid game for five hours straight and you just realized it NOW!?!

Fred: …I'm a slow learner.

YOUR PARTNER IS DEAD

     9.      History repeats itself

Yun: apparently, we have to fight two people without killing one of them…we can do that, right?

Fred: Hell yeah, it's on like Donkey Kong in a thong!

Yun: …Thanks for the mental image, I'll be sure to use the picture as the start up of my nightmares for the next few weeks. Just be sure you don't do anything that might wound up getting anybody killed, alright?

Fred: Look, I got this; you just fix me a sandwich after I kick some ass, bitch.

(Fred took a shot at the girl on the flashing spot on her neck, which caused a cut scene which the girl lying down on the ground, dead.)

Yun: Wait…is that what you suppose to do?

YOUR PARTNER IS DEAD

Yun: Apparently not!

Fred: So we don't shoot the red thing on her neck? That's odd, considering when we fought enemies earlier in the game; the red "Fuck me here" lights on their bodies are usually weak spots. Well, it shouldn't be too hard to adjust to this.

(Five failed attempts later.)

Yun: Give me the controller!

Fred: Hell no!

Yun: Give me the fucking controller!!!

Fred: Have my balls in your mouth!


     10.      …put your teammates through the test.

Yun: This is the final battle…for the love of God; can we please work together on this?

Fred: That depends; will you call me Big Daddy Freddy?

Yun: What?

(A cut scene plays where a giant boulder falls between Fred and Yun, separating them…with Yun stuck with the boss.)

Yun: I hate this game so much…

Fred: Say it! Say my name, motherfucker!

Yun: I swear to God, if you don't help me, I will rip your heart out of your ass and shove it right back down your throat!

Fred:…Epic threat, but you got it from that movie the Nostalgic Critic reviewed.

Yun: So? It doesn't mean I won't do it!

Fred: Then why the hell would I help you then!

Yun: Dude, hurry up, the boss is getting closer!

Fred: Maybe the boss needs to smack some sense into you, and make you learn how to treat your friends with respect!

(The boss grabs Yun by the neck and threw him into a pool of lava.)

YOUR PARTNER IS DEAD LOL

Fred: Wow…That has to be the funniest death in this game!

Yun:…Ok, that was a little funny…

     11.      Teamwork

"Yes!" Said Yun as he threw the controller on the floor. "We finally beaten this God awful game!"

"And it's all because of my help, as you would have obviously been lost without my help!" Said Fred as he hugs Yun.

"Help?!?" Shouted Yun as he pushed Fred away. "If it wasn't for you, I'd probably would've been done with this game sooner! Even if I start a new file in this game and played it on the highest difficulty settings by myself, I would still have an easier time then to rely on you!"

"True, but you had to admit, we had an awesome time together, right?"

Yun thought about the moments he had with the game and responded. "…Yeah, your right."

"So same time next week?"

"Yeah, but I'm picking the game next time."